Thursday, February 19, 2004
THE JOY OF SWEATPANTS. One of the great things about working from home is the amount of stuff I can get accomplished. I am saving 2 hours a day on commute alone, and a higher quality of life will increase my productivity, guaranteed. Getting anything done at HKW was hard on a good day, hellacious otherwise. I had to laugh at my new boss, who asked me if the 2nd day on the job had blown my mind. I said, "I don't think I adequately explained my life in the other job very well..."
MENTAL BLOCH. So with all this newfound time to manage, I did some more cancer research for Sunshine. Found a bunch more trials to check out. One of the challenges of her kind of cancer (endometrial stromal sarcoma, for the morbidly curious) is its rarity. Not a lot of current data available. But today I learned about what little exists by way of stats and resources. Lots of good stuff out there, and I was particularly heartened by the RA Bloch Foundation, a foundation started by a guy who survived cancer after being given 3 months to live. His approach is pragmatic but totally and unequivocally committed. The core: one must decide to do whatever it takes to live. Now that may sound stupidly obvious, but I see in this experience the ease with which people retreat to their comfort zones and put up resistance to new information or change. Understandable, but it'll kill you, the site basically says. And it wasn't too sappy. Which brings me to my next point....
PUT ME DOWN LIKE A DOG if I ever get publicly over-sentimentalized and drippy and leaky about my sister's illness. I find it irritating in others, and I realized over the past week a very important thing about myself: I'm more stoic than I ever realized. Now don't get me wrong. I've privately cried endlessly about Sunny, her suffering, the fact that I can't take the bullet for her, the fear of death, all of it. I've carried on and on. But I can't stand cheap sentiment. No trinkets, no prayer circles, no huggy, touchy public displays for me, thank you. I hug, I touch, I go for any mystic voodoo that might work, but when I catch the whiff, the hint, the j'ne se quois of people making someone else's suffering about their OWN suffering, I have to get away from it.
BUYING MY CONDO ON THE LAKE OF FIRE. Brian and I, in order to be eligible as godparents, recently joined Our Lady of Czestochowa Catholic Church. A nice parish in a nice neighborhood with a nice priest. But if the events of recent times have taught me anything, they have shown me that I do not turn to my faith of origin during hard times, and I do not anticipate that I will. I am intrigued by Christianity on philosophical and ethical levels, but the mystery of faith eludes me. It is simply not part of my cosmology. Done. End Of Story. I talk about karma, and making merit and calling things into being. It's like a mixture of modern family systems therapy and Buddhism (which if you want to learn more about this connection, try this, a truly fascinating study of this very subject. I'm going to hell. But I plan to seek inner peace before I get there.
MENTAL BLOCH. So with all this newfound time to manage, I did some more cancer research for Sunshine. Found a bunch more trials to check out. One of the challenges of her kind of cancer (endometrial stromal sarcoma, for the morbidly curious) is its rarity. Not a lot of current data available. But today I learned about what little exists by way of stats and resources. Lots of good stuff out there, and I was particularly heartened by the RA Bloch Foundation, a foundation started by a guy who survived cancer after being given 3 months to live. His approach is pragmatic but totally and unequivocally committed. The core: one must decide to do whatever it takes to live. Now that may sound stupidly obvious, but I see in this experience the ease with which people retreat to their comfort zones and put up resistance to new information or change. Understandable, but it'll kill you, the site basically says. And it wasn't too sappy. Which brings me to my next point....
PUT ME DOWN LIKE A DOG if I ever get publicly over-sentimentalized and drippy and leaky about my sister's illness. I find it irritating in others, and I realized over the past week a very important thing about myself: I'm more stoic than I ever realized. Now don't get me wrong. I've privately cried endlessly about Sunny, her suffering, the fact that I can't take the bullet for her, the fear of death, all of it. I've carried on and on. But I can't stand cheap sentiment. No trinkets, no prayer circles, no huggy, touchy public displays for me, thank you. I hug, I touch, I go for any mystic voodoo that might work, but when I catch the whiff, the hint, the j'ne se quois of people making someone else's suffering about their OWN suffering, I have to get away from it.
BUYING MY CONDO ON THE LAKE OF FIRE. Brian and I, in order to be eligible as godparents, recently joined Our Lady of Czestochowa Catholic Church. A nice parish in a nice neighborhood with a nice priest. But if the events of recent times have taught me anything, they have shown me that I do not turn to my faith of origin during hard times, and I do not anticipate that I will. I am intrigued by Christianity on philosophical and ethical levels, but the mystery of faith eludes me. It is simply not part of my cosmology. Done. End Of Story. I talk about karma, and making merit and calling things into being. It's like a mixture of modern family systems therapy and Buddhism (which if you want to learn more about this connection, try this, a truly fascinating study of this very subject. I'm going to hell. But I plan to seek inner peace before I get there.
RISE TO POWER. Things I’d Do if I Ever Became an Evil Overlord: The Horror!
Tuesday, February 17, 2004
I PROMISE THIS WON'T BE CANCERBLOG. However, I can't guarantee that it won't dominate many future posts. Cancer now seems to be like that SNL sketch from a hundred years ago about the nightmare guest that won't leave. Eating all your food, taking away the channel changer, calling their friends up (long distance) - and all you can do is gape and watch. That's kind of it.
Brian's little horror announcement about Sunny went out to some folks today, and the responses have been heartfelt. I want to note that our friends are trying to show up for this and I am very grateful to you all. Just let that be noted.
THE NEW GIG. Today I started my new job. I am working for a cousin of mine who is just like me, only older, male and not into therapy. So imagine that, mon freres! But in all, it is a haven because we've worked together well in the past. I get to hide out behind a lot of admin work under the rubric of "business development." Don't be fooled. It is, indeed, admin. Good for now. Good for school time. It will permit me schedule flexibility to run around and deal with whatever. I do not have to manage people. I do not have to wage epic corporate battles for power. For those of you who mistake my commitment and focus for ambition, please note that I consider the change a huge relief.
MIDTERMS. And on Friday, Analytical Techniques, where I will be tested on scintillating topics such as linear regression. Despite the feeling that I am trying to learn 4 languages simultaneously, school is very rewarding. In the past I eschewed pragmatism in my education. I was always somewhat of a romantic - 'gee, let's read the existentialists...' Very useful, just like my film degree. But now I realize that I enjoy the pragmatic stuff too. It does help to know the time value of money, or how to calculate what you are really paying for that car. Or how to read those financial thingies that you get when you hold stock. It is very satisfying to be operating in the "real world" in terms of what I am learning. Everything now is applied theory - how do you use this in the context of your life? Fantastic. I see how Sartre fits into things, but that pales in the face of balancing your checkbook. There's room for all of it in my life, and by the time I am done, I will be running back to the things I am used to learning about. But I am not ashamed to say that business school is incredibly useful and actually **interesting**.
Brian's little horror announcement about Sunny went out to some folks today, and the responses have been heartfelt. I want to note that our friends are trying to show up for this and I am very grateful to you all. Just let that be noted.
THE NEW GIG. Today I started my new job. I am working for a cousin of mine who is just like me, only older, male and not into therapy. So imagine that, mon freres! But in all, it is a haven because we've worked together well in the past. I get to hide out behind a lot of admin work under the rubric of "business development." Don't be fooled. It is, indeed, admin. Good for now. Good for school time. It will permit me schedule flexibility to run around and deal with whatever. I do not have to manage people. I do not have to wage epic corporate battles for power. For those of you who mistake my commitment and focus for ambition, please note that I consider the change a huge relief.
MIDTERMS. And on Friday, Analytical Techniques, where I will be tested on scintillating topics such as linear regression. Despite the feeling that I am trying to learn 4 languages simultaneously, school is very rewarding. In the past I eschewed pragmatism in my education. I was always somewhat of a romantic - 'gee, let's read the existentialists...' Very useful, just like my film degree. But now I realize that I enjoy the pragmatic stuff too. It does help to know the time value of money, or how to calculate what you are really paying for that car. Or how to read those financial thingies that you get when you hold stock. It is very satisfying to be operating in the "real world" in terms of what I am learning. Everything now is applied theory - how do you use this in the context of your life? Fantastic. I see how Sartre fits into things, but that pales in the face of balancing your checkbook. There's room for all of it in my life, and by the time I am done, I will be running back to the things I am used to learning about. But I am not ashamed to say that business school is incredibly useful and actually **interesting**.
Sunday, February 15, 2004
Weclome to Jennifer K's new blog. My impetus for starting this is to document some big life events as they are happening, for reflection or entertainment at some later date.
The significance of the name Monstababy is that it is the nickname of my sister, who is currently gravely ill. I have named this blog in her honor.
My friends have been asking, so here's the scoop:
-I just left my crazy-making job of 4.5 years on Tuesday 2/10
-My sister is back in the hospital to remove a tumor the size of a football
-I have a new job that I am starting on Tuesday
-Midterms are this week
There is a lot to be said on each of these points, and I will as the mood strikes. Obviously a lot is happening right now so it may take a bit of time. Feel free to say hi or check in.
The significance of the name Monstababy is that it is the nickname of my sister, who is currently gravely ill. I have named this blog in her honor.
My friends have been asking, so here's the scoop:
-I just left my crazy-making job of 4.5 years on Tuesday 2/10
-My sister is back in the hospital to remove a tumor the size of a football
-I have a new job that I am starting on Tuesday
-Midterms are this week
There is a lot to be said on each of these points, and I will as the mood strikes. Obviously a lot is happening right now so it may take a bit of time. Feel free to say hi or check in.
